When I hobbled out of urgent care 13 weeks ago I told myself I still had plenty of time to heal up before my half marathon. I was still dreaming of a fast race and the chance to PR in February.

I finally accepted that I wasn’t going to make it to that race. Now I’m staring down the fact that I won’t even be running at all by then.

At three months, this is officially my worst injury. Sure I’ve had lingering tendonitis, but this takes the cake for my longest, slowest recovery yet. And there really isn’t anything I can do about it.

I’ve accepted that I have a severe ankle injury, and I need to treat it as such. I’ve stopped crying over the fact that I was coming off a huge PR and I was in the best shape I had been in in years. By now that fitness is loooong gone. I’ve also stopped thinking about how I’m going to get back there as soon as I can.

The past and the future are dangerous places. I end up feeling frustrated and hopeless when I dwell on them.

Lately I’ve been trying my best to focus on the present. Not even what I can do today, but what I can do right now. My ankle range of motion comes and goes. The pain hits and fades. I can do squats fine and then suddenly I can’t do them at all.

And it’s all okay. It’s all progress. It’s all something.

I can’t control my recovery. I can’t predict when I will be able to run. I can’t force my body to heal any faster (which isn’t to say I’m not trying everything I can).

I’m still an athlete. I’m still getting stronger. I’m certainly learning a lot. And soon, I will be able to build the base that will let me run and lift until my legs turn to jelly. But right now, I’m still digging the foundation. I’m getting my tendons strong and getting rid of all of the scar tissue in my way.

Comebacks are made of a bunch of little things done right.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s the two minutes I set aside each day to do my ankle strengthening exercises. It’s the 30 minutes I spend each night dipping my ankle in and out of icy and hot water. It’s all of the things I know I can’t do that I don’t do.

I want to run. Desperately. I’m 11 weeks out from a half marathon, a half marathon I signed up for thinking I would come home with a PR. Now I’m questioning if I will even make it to the start line.

But all of the small things add up. I can’t run right now, but I can spend all of the time I would have spent running getting my strength back and helping the healing process. I can’t squat or snatch or clean right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get stronger or that I can’t lift.

The last time I was injured I was so focused on all of the things I couldn’t do that I was blindsided by all of the new things I could do. Just like last time, I am focusing on different muscles than I normally do and I am working hard to build a solid, healthy foundation so when my ankle is ready, the rest of my body will be prepared to run again too.

Frustration is still around every corner. I still cry about not being able to do what I want. I worry about how long this injury is taking to heal and about what lasting effects I might have in the future. But each thing I do right gives me a little more hope.

The worst is over. Now it’s just about staying focused and working on the little things.

I’d like to think I’m handling this injury better than my last.

Which is funny given my propensity to lose my mind the minute anyone suggests I can’t run, jump, or do anything fun.

It’s almost easier that this injury has been visually pronounced (my bruise turned a nice shade of green just in time for Halloween. It didn’t hurt that I walked like Frankenstein’s monster) and the pain is violent and consuming.

There’s no ignoring this one.

The good: I didn’t break any bones. The bad: I’m out for 4-6 weeks. The ugly: … well my ankle.

After x-rays and WAY too many doctors painfully poking and prodding my already grotesque, swollen lump of an ankle (MUST you push so hard? I mean really!), I had “sprained ankle” stamped across my chart and I was sent on my merry way.

I finally started PT, which means I now spend 30 minutes or so a day doing weird exercises that seem like a test of patience more than a way of getting back to the things I love. Like going down stairs without pain.

This time there’s no groveling. There’s no trying to run or pushing through nagging pain. I’ve never been so in touch with my painful reality. I’m out for the count.

It doesn’t matter that I was in great shape. It doesn’t matter I had just pulled off a massive 7-minute PR on a difficult course. It doesn’t matter that I have a half in February. It doesn’t matter that I love to run in the rain and it happens to be raining.

On Wed. 10/28 at exactly 12:30ish p.m. I massively sprained my ankle.

Those are the facts. That’s my reality.

I’m out for now, but you damn well better believe I am going to do all of the weird exercises and I am going to fight back and return to running stronger and hungrier than ever before.

Now, can you please pass the ice cream?

Posterior tibial tendonitis is frustrating. You feel it in every step you take, and it drives you insane when you are sitting on the couch instead of out for a run. I’ve been there, and I never want to be there again.

I am a firm believer that injuries are your body’s way to alert you to an imbalance or weakness, and mine has spoken loud and clear.

I have spent the past year scouring the Internet and talking to every specialist I’ve met (the amazing people at the RunSafe clinic, doctors, physical therapists, massage and bodywork therapists, other PTT athletes) to find the best exercises to treat my PTT and prevent it from ever (EVER!) coming back.

There are three main areas you need to strengthen if you are suffering from PTT (or any other ankle/foot injury) the feet, ankles/lower leg, and the hip. Instead of trying to explain how to do all of these exercises myself, I linked each one to more information and instructions.

Here are some exercises I’ve been doing, from the bottom up:

Feet

Whether you start with flat feet or PTT causes your arch to fall, chances are you are in need of some serious arch support. Realign your arch and reduce the stress on your plantar fascia with these exercises.

Toe curls with a towel

Toe squeeze and spread (rubber bands are great for a little resistance)

Doming

Standing on one foot/balance work
Without shoes, stand on one leg for 30 seconds or so and focus on maintaining an arch while keeping your balance. Once the 30 seconds gets easy, add time/sets, try it with your eyes closed, or really challenge yourself by standing on a Bosu or another uneven surface. Be careful with this one! Balance work can really irritate my tendons. Be sure to work up to it very slowly. I mean it when I say to start for just 30 seconds on each side.

Ankles/lower leg

For all exercises that you do with a band, you can buy a TheraBand (or any other therapy band) online.

Calf raises
Watch out! This is another one where you really need to ease into it. These irritated my PTT when I first started doing them. I had to start doing these sitting in a chair, just lifting the weight of part of my legs. Once I was able to do that, my physical therapist had me set a bit of weight on my knees (a heavy book works great if you don’t have access to hand weights). I did three sets of 10 reps (both legs at the same time) with the weight on my knees for about a week. Once I could do that easily, I moved on to leaning fairly heavily on a counter and lifting part of my body weight for three sets of 10. I’m currently doing three sets of 10 with my full body weight, but both legs at the same time. I’m going to progress to doing them mostly on one foot until I can do them one leg at a time with all of my body weight. If you are super advanced and you have gone through the whole progression, you can add weight, but do it slowly!

Ankle dorsiflexion with a band

Ankle inversion with a band

Ankle eversion with a band

Hips

Your hips are critical for keeping your gait balanced and even. Recent studies have shown that the hips are linked to everything from knee pain to ankle pain. These very well might be the most important exercises on the list. Don’t skip these! (Curious about where your hips are the weakest? Try this test.)

Side step with a band

Glute bridge
Weighted, unweighted, one leg, two legs – any and all variations are great!

Single-leg deadlift
Way less scary than they sound.

Squats

Side leg raises

Hip hikes

It turns out when my PTT flairs up, I give up on writing these updates. Which is sad because my life doesn’t stop, I don’t stop training, it just looks a little different.

So here it is, in all of its injury-interrupted glory:

3/2-8

I started March feeling pretty good. I had a solid plan for how I was going to slowly ramp up my mileage in time for the 10k I’m “racing” in April. I wasn’t worried about only having a month to go, and my body was handling the slow increase in mileage well.

Until it wasn’t.

Between a lot of balance work at CrossFit and the “extra” distance I was running, my feet fought back. I had started the week of 3/2 feeling strong with an accidental 3.5 mile run (I was shooting for 2.5-3). I followed that up with a CrossFit workout that had a lot of overhead work, and I never really bounced back. My short run on Thursday went alright, but after doing the 15.2 CrossFit Open workout that Friday, my feet were toast on Saturday for my “long” run. I had 4 miles on the schedule, but within a few steps my feet were killing me. I hobbled home after less than a mile and proceeded to feel sorry for myself for the rest of the day.

3/9-15

I accepted (mostly) the sate of my feet and took the week off from running. I did my best to reduce the strain I put on my feet at CrossFit by cutting out jumping and going a bit lighter on weights so I didn’t have to drive as much through my calves or struggle to stay balanced.

I also spent the time I would have been running working on my olympic lifts and strengthening my feet and hips to help stabilize everything when I run. Glute bridges, side steps with a band, ankle exercises with a band, and calf raises are all the rage these days.

I miss my morning run, but I can’t complain about starting the day with a nice quiet lift. #LikeAGirl #crossfitgirls #oly

A photo posted by Mandy Ferreira (@treading_lightly) on Mar 10, 2015 at 8:13am PDT

3/16-22

I started hesitantly running again. I’m still playing around with pacing, distance, and even taping my ankle/arch to figure out the best way to move forward. I did another whopping 7.8 miles for the week, but I didn’t get pain while I was running, which seems like a win if you ask me. I made it through my “long” run of 3 miles without incident and even woke up feeling alright the next morning. I’m calling it progress.

The real bummer of the week was the discovery that yoga is definitely contributing to my PTT symptoms. All of the balance on bare feet kills me. My arch can’t support itself well enough, and all of that tugging on my tendons gives me pain that starts in my feet and keeps going up my ankles. I have been taping my ankle and arches when I go to class, but it’s still not enough. I’m going to take a few weeks off to let my body calm down before I try it again (modifying poses of course to reduce the tugging on my inflamed tendons). Fingers crossed it works and I can run all three days this week.

Monday

I went into Monday feeling pretty good. I took a much needed complete rest day the day before. But after WAY too much squatting between the scheduled workout and my insistence that I needed to do my squat program, I felt my workout all week. #SomeoneCarryMePlease. If you think walking is overrated you should definitely try this workout.

Tuesday

This was one of those “runs” where barely moving feels like an all-out effort. My tired legs carried me (very slowly) 2.5 miles.

Wednesday

Despite declarations that Fridays are for squatting, I had to switch up my schedule and squat today instead. On paper it seemed totally fine. Trying to convince my legs to squat when they were quite sore after Monday was a challenge. I hit unexpected traffic on the way to the gym and ended up having to go to a later CrossFit class, which meant I got my squats in before. I squeezed my full program into the 30 minutes before class and tried not to cry on every wall ball after.

Thursday

I hobbled through another 2.5 miles. Nothing major to report.

Friday

Despite the fact that I’m not actually doing the CrossFit Open, every class is doing the open workouts on Fridays. Last year I was determined to do all of the workouts, but after my first introduction to tendonitis (hello double-unders, oh how you ruined my feet for a year) after 14.1, I was less than interested this year.

As much as I hate toes-to-bar, I wasn’t dreading this workout too badly.

15.1

9 minute AMRAP
15 toes-to-bar
10 deadlifts at 75 lbs
5 snatches at 75 lbs

15.1 A

Max single rep clean and jerk in 6 minutes

I know I made a lot of progress doing a few cycles of the barbell class, but I didn’t realize quite how much until this workout. The weight on the snatches felt totally doable for me and I got pretty darn close to my actual PR on the clean and jerk. I was pretty happy with my score of 113 reps/128 lbs.

Saturday

I broke up my longest run in months with a nice walk on the beach to check out the tide pools. I ran about 3 miles and walked another half mile.

Sunday

I ditched the yoga class I was planning on going to and did an hour of PT instead. Both probably would have been better, but my ankles have been feeling better without the stress of balancing/standing barefoot during yoga.

Overall stats:

• 2ish hours of PT (Mostly stretching and releasing my calves and hips with a lacrosse ball. I did some of my exercises… but not enough)
• Ran 8.82 miles
• 3 hours of CrossFit
• 2 squat sessions

I’m ready for my comeback.

This past year I’ve had so many ups and downs. So many “I’m almost healed” signs only to have a major setback. So many “we’re going to make it out of this” moments. I’m ready for a full comeback. I’m ready to run without abandon, to stop telling myself to slow down, to hold back. I’m ready to jump and climb and do whatever I damn well please. I’m ready to be fully me.

I’m shifting my focus from being upset about all of the things I can’t do yet to all of the things I should be doing to ensure that I make it back and stay back this time. Heel raises, clam shells, banded exercises, I’m doing it all.

I’m coming back stronger than ever.

I have a glaring track record with injuries. They all start the same way. I feel amazing. Unstoppable! And then I push too hard and I am completely stopped by an intense, slow-healing form of tendonitis. I’ve done it again and again, and yet I clearly haven’t learned.

The week after the Nike Women’s Half I felt great. My legs felt strong and I was flying high on a great race. I wanted to run further, faster, more often. I started planning how I would up my mileage this winter and all of the great speed workouts I would do. I was so ready to go.

Except that I wasn’t. I forgot the most important part of training – rest. I pushed too hard, too soon after my race and I aggravated the injury I spent four months battling this year already.

Now every step is a reminder of how big of an idiot I am. Instead of doing all of the amazing running I had imagined in my mind, I’m back to doing what feels like endless PT exercises and wanting to cry every time I see someone else running (how dare they run when I have to rest. I want to run!).

Every step is a very real, painful reminder that I need to rest and take care of myself. I don’t have time for denial or trying to push through. (I wish I would have realized that before I played Ultimate Frisbee with my coworkers for an hour. Ouch.) I am going to do all of my exercises. I will rest and treat my ankles and feet with care. I will do contrast baths and hours of mobility work to break up all of the tight, irritated tissue in my calves, ankles, and feet.

But most importantly, I will stop doing this to myself. I will learn to hold back when I want to push 12 times as hard. I will get my legs strong and ready for all of the running I am desperately dreaming about. I will accept where I’m at when I finally get to run again, and I will ease back into everything when my body is ready.