I’m ready for my comeback.

This past year I’ve had so many ups and downs. So many “I’m almost healed” signs only to have a major setback. So many “we’re going to make it out of this” moments. I’m ready for a full comeback. I’m ready to run without abandon, to stop telling myself to slow down, to hold back. I’m ready to jump and climb and do whatever I damn well please. I’m ready to be fully me.

I’m shifting my focus from being upset about all of the things I can’t do yet to all of the things I should be doing to ensure that I make it back and stay back this time. Heel raises, clam shells, banded exercises, I’m doing it all.

I’m coming back stronger than ever.

I started doing CrossFit because I wanted to be able to throw around a barbell like the people I saw doing the WODs at my gym. There was something about it that I just couldn’t tear myself away from.

Confession:

The most terrifying part of starting CrossFit was learning the olympic lifts.

But they’re also what brought me back each time.

It took me a full year for the movements to feel natural, and by then I couldn’t get enough. There isn’t a feeling in the world like tossing your body weight over your head like it’s no big deal. Or listening to the sound of a heavy barbell hitting the ground after a solid lift. Or clawing your way out of a heavy clean. Or not being able to walk the day after heavy squats.

It's so nice to be back with the barbell crew @inrc_ @zeroatlas @sarammarston

A photo posted by Mandy Ferreira (@treading_lightly) on Jan 1, 2015 at 9:00pm PST

I decided it was time to really get into the grit of lifting. I hadn’t done any particular strength programs or followed any cycles on my own in the past, but I signed up for the barbell club at my gym. For a month I worked on technique and improved every single lift we worked on. By the end of the month the PRs were rolling in.

I was addicted.

I'm sad Barbell Club is over, but I'm super happy to finally be past where I was pre-injury. Thanks @inrc_ and @zeroatlas for a great month! #crossfit #crossfitgirls #likeagirl #BadDecisions #StopStealingMyWheights

A photo posted by Mandy Ferreira (@treading_lightly) on Nov 11, 2014 at 8:25am PST

I got my own lifting shoes. I researched strength progressions to do on my own outside of lifting with the group. I religiously listened to Barbell Shrugged and loaded my Instagram with amazing lifters.

Even better – I went back to CrossFit stronger and way more confident with my lifts. Weights that had felt really heavy seemed to fly off the floor a little easier.

These just might be my favorite shoes – not because they look great with every outfit (we all know they do), but because of how I feel in them. Powerful. Badass. In control. Happy. Unstoppable.

There are workouts you crush and workouts that crush you. I was crushed. Severely.

This one broke me mentally and physically. I was sore for days and days, which is why I felt the need to share my pain. Looking for something to challenge you? Here it is:

WOD

75 wall balls (20 lbs for men, 14 for women, thrown to 10 ft. or above)
1600 meter run (1 Mile)
50 Wall Balls
500 meter run
25 wall balls
250 meter run

 Your legs will not thank you.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about what it means to be a woman (or a man), and after reading Talayna Fortunato’s blog post about dealing with comments from her ex-boyfriend about not being feminine enough, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Growing up I went to a school where girls had to wear skirts and you were an outcast if you liked to play sports at recess. I walked around with a nearly constant skinned knee from playing basketball or soccer on cement in a skirt. I learned not to care what other people thought of me, and if they didn’t understand why I loved sports so much, then I didn’t want to be friends with them anyways.

Years later I feel like the world has similar pressures. I’m tired of all of the magazines in the grocery store telling me I need to lose weight or dress a certain way. I don’t think I can listen to another person say that women shouldn’t lift heavy weights because they will get bulky. It kills me to hear my friends complain that their arms or legs are too muscular or to see the posts on Pinterests on how to get a “thigh gap.”

In an interview with Vogue, Annie Thorisdottir said –

She wants to inspire women, especially young girls, to focus more on what their bodies can do than on how they look. “I’m not preaching that everyone should try to become a CrossFit champion,” she says. “But I want to show them that training can give them more confidence—and that being strong is beautiful.”

It’s time we all do the same.

I can be a badass and a woman without being “butch” or “unfeminine.” I wear dresses to work and tear my hands busting out muscle-ups at the gym after. I have callouses on top of callouses. My hands aren’t soft as silk, and the bruises on my legs mark my PRs, my mistakes, and the times I kept going even after I wanted to stop. I don’t own a single pair of heals, but I have shoes for every athletic occasion. I don’t wear makeup because I don’t see the point in sweating it off every day, and my hair is almost always in a ponytail so I’m ready to go for a run or head to the gym. That doesn’t make me less of a woman.

If styling your hair or dressing a certain way makes you feel good about yourself, do it! Who cares what other people think? It’s time to be ourselves and stand up for what it really means to be a man or a woman.

It turns out two and a half months of only doing arms and abs has its benefits – I got my first unassisted bar muscle-up… five actually. While I have been focusing on hitting my running goals for 2014, my other goals were pushed to the side. Since I can’t run I was feeling frustrated that I wasn’t making any progress toward any of them. Since I wasn’t specifically training for muscle ups, I’m definitely glad I decided to try one to kill some time. It’s nice to have something positive to distract me from not being able to run still.

I think it’s fair to say that injuries bring out the best and the worst in us. For me, they bring out bitterness, jealousy, and depression, but they also reinforce my tenacity, dedication, and focus. I have my flight paid for, hotel booked, and participant shorts waiting in my dresser. I will run in August.

But for now I have Posterior Tibial Tendonitis, and it’s time I accepted that.

After not running for more than two months, I have shed enough tears for the rest of the year. Instead of feeling sorry for myself (which I have done plenty) and snapping at everyone who is just trying to help, it’s time to refocus and make my goal happen.

How I’m healing:

1. My barefoot-loving, five-finger-vibram-wearing self has accepted my new shoes (in the picture above). I will wear these for the next year while I strengthen my feet and ankles and work on my gait. If it means I can run, I will just about anything at this point. For now I’m wearing the Asics GT-2000 anytime I’m out or I’m walking around (even in the house). I just keep telling myself I don’t care what they look like (which is true until I wear them out with a skirt and people look at me oddly), as long as they are helping.

2. I added inserts. My podiatrist wanted me to get custom orthotics, but those are on the back-burner for now. Instead I have been wearing Superfeet inserts, and they seem to be helping, especially when I have to stand for extended periods of time.

3. Contrast baths. I’ve never loved cold, but increasing the circulation is a major part of healing my PTT. I alternate three minutes in hot water with epsom salts and 1 minute in ice water. The 50 degree temperature swing is miserable, but it usually feels better after.

4. Rest. No really, rest. As much as I hate it, I am staying off my feet. With two weeks until I start my new job (more on that soon), I am making it my full time job to heal my PTT. It’s just about as exciting as it sounds. I still can’t do my usual CrossFit class, and I do a lot of arms and core (all I need is a cut-off tank and a protein powder shaker and I could be a full-fledged bro). No running, no cycling outside, no spin classes, no heavy lifting, etc.

5. Modify. I can swim, but I have to only use my arms and do the saddest, slowest, gentlest flip-turns known to man. My high school swim coach would cry if he saw my new turns.

6. I finally got to go to physical therapy. It’s been making an enormous difference. I tried to doing exercises on my own for PTT, but the next day my pain would always be worse. It has been incredible to have someone walk me through exercises, give me a better understanding of what I can and can’t do, and help me increase blood flow to the area. Plus, my physical therapist’s positivity has been slowly chipping away at my debbie downer, ‘I’m never ever going to be able to run again’ attitude.

7. In an effor to loosen up my muscle fibers and break up scar tissue, I got a much needed (and painful!) deep tissue massage and body work. I wasn’t able to miraculously run the next day (I knew it was a long shot), but it definitely helped relax my lower legs.

8. Just say no to sugar and gluten. Sugar is a known inflammatory and gluten just doesn’t make me feel very well. I tend to break out fairly excessively when I am not careful and I eat too much of either. Since PTT is inflammation and small tears, I’m doing everything I can to turn my body into a healing machine.

9. I’m sleeping as much as I can to increase the amount of time my body spends repairing itself.

While the goal of starting to run again has been pushed back over and over again, I’ve set my sights on mid-June. I’m secretly hoping it will be long before then, but it’s less mentally and emotionally draining to aim for a date so far away than to push it back week after week.

Injuries are every athlete’s worst nightmare. There is nothing like being told you can’t do something to make you miserable. I’ve been through all of the stages of grieving:

1. Denial: My feet are totally fine. Let’s increase my long run by a mile this week and then walk around for hours.
2. Anger: This includes general swearing and aggressively doing everything I’m not supposed to do because I’m mad I can’t do it. Screw it, I’m doing the box jumps. 
3. Bargaining: If I don’t jump at all at CrossFit, I can still run, right?
4. Depression: Lying on the floor instead of doing my rehab exercises… or anything else. I’m never going to run my half marathon fast enough if I never get to run. This is horrible.
5. Acceptance: My feet hurt and I have to wear ugly shoes. It won’t last forever… right?

I’ve been wearing my “moon shoes” (also known as my old, huge, white lunar glides from high school that seriously battle space boots for the largest, ugliest shoe title) almost exclusively. Every time the soles squeak against the hallway at work or someone gives me an odd look for dressing like Working Girl I am reminded of the stupid training mistakes I made to get myself here.

But my feet no longer keep me up at night or become my obsession while I’m driving. I took all of the last two weeks off from running and instead swam or did the elliptical. I finally went to my doctor and heard the words I was avoiding “no running,” at least until my feet are better. Hopefully after an appointment with a podiatrist this week I will have a solid rehab plan and a bit of a timeline as to when I get off the hamster wheel (and out of the pool) and start really running again.

Being injured is not my jam. There are days where I’m completely calm and rational about it and others where I feel like I am seriously loosing my mind and would do anything to get back to my regular training. For the days when I’m going crazy, I remind myself that every day I’m careful, every time I rest, the closer I am to being able to run again.

The stats:

Ran: 21.4 miles (most of them I probably shouldn’t have run… denial is a strong force)
Swam: 6-7 miles
CrossFit: 12 classes
Yoga: 4 fantastic power classes
+ an hour or more weekly of rehab exercises, foam rolling, and targeted stretching

What you can’t see:

Switching from running to swimming at the end of the month brought me back to my competitive swimming days, and it’s given me inspiration to consider doing a triathlon next year. It has also reminded me that there have been a lot of times in my life where an injury of some sort sets me back for a time, but I always come back and I always learn something while I’m away. So maybe I can’t run right now, but I can pay attention to my body and make it stronger and more prepared for when I do get to run again.