There are moments in life when you know you are exactly where you should be. You fit in. You are comfortable. It’s wonderful.

My first few kicks off the wall before I come up for a breath always reaffirm this for me. I feel at home in the water. Swimming makes me feel simultaneously graceful and powerful, a true rarity for someone who is as spastic and klutzy on land as I am.

I have always loved to swim, and I spent as much time as possible in the pool growing up. I started swim lessons before I had walking down solidly, and I still have strong memories of learning to swim. To this day I can still tell you my favorite suite (it was green with iridescent patches that I thought made me look like a mermaid while I was swimming) down to the shower curtains in the locker room (fish on a clear background, way cooler than anything we had at home).

While I always loved swimming, I didn’t compete until high school. I swam for three years and had a blast, but by senior year I was burned out (not just from swimming but from an extremely busy schedule and difficult classes) and not willing to swim for the team after our beloved coach retired and the golf coach subbed all season. I swam when I could in college, but it was more something I would sneak out and do when I was really stressed and needed some space or when the weather was amazing and I just couldn’t pass it up than a part of my typical training schedule.

Since I can’t run, I have been taking advantage of a nearby indoor pool (the perfect setup for my sunburn prone-skin and zero tolerance for cold). While I can’t kick… or really do anything other than gentle flip turns and swim with the pull buoy, it has been great to get back into the pool. It has helped me keep my sanity and remember that I am not one thing. I am not just a runner. I am not just a swimmer. I am not just a writer. I can be or do whatever I want. It was definitely a much needed reminder since not being able to run or olympic lift has left me reeling and desperately trying to figure out who I am outside of the things I love so much.

It turns out two and a half months of only doing arms and abs has its benefits – I got my first unassisted bar muscle-up… five actually. While I have been focusing on hitting my running goals for 2014, my other goals were pushed to the side. Since I can’t run I was feeling frustrated that I wasn’t making any progress toward any of them. Since I wasn’t specifically training for muscle ups, I’m definitely glad I decided to try one to kill some time. It’s nice to have something positive to distract me from not being able to run still.

I think it’s fair to say that injuries bring out the best and the worst in us. For me, they bring out bitterness, jealousy, and depression, but they also reinforce my tenacity, dedication, and focus. I have my flight paid for, hotel booked, and participant shorts waiting in my dresser. I will run in August.

But for now I have Posterior Tibial Tendonitis, and it’s time I accepted that.

After not running for more than two months, I have shed enough tears for the rest of the year. Instead of feeling sorry for myself (which I have done plenty) and snapping at everyone who is just trying to help, it’s time to refocus and make my goal happen.

How I’m healing:

1. My barefoot-loving, five-finger-vibram-wearing self has accepted my new shoes (in the picture above). I will wear these for the next year while I strengthen my feet and ankles and work on my gait. If it means I can run, I will just about anything at this point. For now I’m wearing the Asics GT-2000 anytime I’m out or I’m walking around (even in the house). I just keep telling myself I don’t care what they look like (which is true until I wear them out with a skirt and people look at me oddly), as long as they are helping.

2. I added inserts. My podiatrist wanted me to get custom orthotics, but those are on the back-burner for now. Instead I have been wearing Superfeet inserts, and they seem to be helping, especially when I have to stand for extended periods of time.

3. Contrast baths. I’ve never loved cold, but increasing the circulation is a major part of healing my PTT. I alternate three minutes in hot water with epsom salts and 1 minute in ice water. The 50 degree temperature swing is miserable, but it usually feels better after.

4. Rest. No really, rest. As much as I hate it, I am staying off my feet. With two weeks until I start my new job (more on that soon), I am making it my full time job to heal my PTT. It’s just about as exciting as it sounds. I still can’t do my usual CrossFit class, and I do a lot of arms and core (all I need is a cut-off tank and a protein powder shaker and I could be a full-fledged bro). No running, no cycling outside, no spin classes, no heavy lifting, etc.

5. Modify. I can swim, but I have to only use my arms and do the saddest, slowest, gentlest flip-turns known to man. My high school swim coach would cry if he saw my new turns.

6. I finally got to go to physical therapy. It’s been making an enormous difference. I tried to doing exercises on my own for PTT, but the next day my pain would always be worse. It has been incredible to have someone walk me through exercises, give me a better understanding of what I can and can’t do, and help me increase blood flow to the area. Plus, my physical therapist’s positivity has been slowly chipping away at my debbie downer, ‘I’m never ever going to be able to run again’ attitude.

7. In an effor to loosen up my muscle fibers and break up scar tissue, I got a much needed (and painful!) deep tissue massage and body work. I wasn’t able to miraculously run the next day (I knew it was a long shot), but it definitely helped relax my lower legs.

8. Just say no to sugar and gluten. Sugar is a known inflammatory and gluten just doesn’t make me feel very well. I tend to break out fairly excessively when I am not careful and I eat too much of either. Since PTT is inflammation and small tears, I’m doing everything I can to turn my body into a healing machine.

9. I’m sleeping as much as I can to increase the amount of time my body spends repairing itself.

While the goal of starting to run again has been pushed back over and over again, I’ve set my sights on mid-June. I’m secretly hoping it will be long before then, but it’s less mentally and emotionally draining to aim for a date so far away than to push it back week after week.

Since I do not have the most patience in the world, I was really excited to know that for the SeaWheeze participants get their goodies long before packet pick-up or the end of the race. The shorts are sent in time so you can train in them. While this year’s shorts are a bit bold (and 3D) for my typical taste, I can’t wait to wear them when I finally get to train.

It’s been a month since the last time I laced up my shoes and went for a run, and I’m not handling it very well. I dream about running and wake up in the morning even more upset than when I went to sleep that I still can’t run. I get mad at other runners for “flaunting” their ability to run when I can’t. I obsess about what it will be like to run again, how will I start, how many miles will I run, will I have to run/walk intervals in the beginning?

I need to run.

When I start to obsess about something, especially running, going for a run clears my mind. I’m in the middle of a career transition as I’m calling it, and being able to run off some stress and sort out how I really feel about a potentially drastic change in my job would go a long way.

Instead I spend the time I would usually be running on exercises and stretches to help my feet/ankles heal. I’ve been using some of my new-found time to job hunt and read the Game of Thrones series.

I was finally starting to accept that for the time being, I cannot run.

But then, after months of needing them, I finally got new running shoes. Only they aren’t the sleek, minimal variety I had my eyes on. Instead they are bright stability shoes that all of the specialists I met with recommended for my tendonitis. It feels plain wrong to buy running shoes and confine them to being worn at work and driving. The good news? They have reflective marks on the toes to make sure my coworkers see me coming.

With at least two more weeks before I can FINALLY run again, I’m doing all that I can to keep myself sane. I’m channeling all of my energy that I want to put into running into all of my exercises and stretches so that when the first week of May comes I can finally get back out there.

There are seven things I never leave home without:

1. Water bottle
2. Workout clothes that can be used for running or CrossFit
3. Shower supplies (including a towel and flip flops)
4. Snack (I go from slightly hungry to ravenous in seconds, and it’s not pretty)
5. Running shoes
6. Extra hair ties
7. Yoga mat

I can’t count the number of times I have thought “I wish I could go for a run right now” or be invited to do yoga with a friend after work and have nothing with me to make it happen. I work an hour from home with CrossFit on the way home. I do not have the luxury of running home and then going to work out, instead I need to have everything with me at all times. Being so far away from my shower and closet makes things a bit more difficult.

I’ve learned the hard way about forgetting socks or my shirt, which is why I keep a pair of my least favorite clothes in the car (not only is this an incentive to remember to bring them with me, but it also means when I leave something behind I can continue as planned). I no longer have to worry that I don’t have something and can instead do what I please. I also don’t have to be embarrassed to go out after a workout because I have everything I need to shower (although my water bottle isn’t enough to get the job done and I do need an actual shower facility to make that one happen). It also means that if I am blessed with an hour lunch, I can go for a run or hit the gym with coworkers.

While my car’s trunk looks like a sporting goods store, I keep the most important item within arms reach at all times, my water bottle. People make fun of me because we will be going for a five minute car ride and I will bring it with me. You can’t be ready to go for a run on a moments notice or have your ass handed to you at CrossFit if you aren’t hydrated. Like a child and it’s favorite stuffed animal, I never leave home without it.

Injuries are every athlete’s worst nightmare. There is nothing like being told you can’t do something to make you miserable. I’ve been through all of the stages of grieving:

1. Denial: My feet are totally fine. Let’s increase my long run by a mile this week and then walk around for hours.
2. Anger: This includes general swearing and aggressively doing everything I’m not supposed to do because I’m mad I can’t do it. Screw it, I’m doing the box jumps. 
3. Bargaining: If I don’t jump at all at CrossFit, I can still run, right?
4. Depression: Lying on the floor instead of doing my rehab exercises… or anything else. I’m never going to run my half marathon fast enough if I never get to run. This is horrible.
5. Acceptance: My feet hurt and I have to wear ugly shoes. It won’t last forever… right?

I’ve been wearing my “moon shoes” (also known as my old, huge, white lunar glides from high school that seriously battle space boots for the largest, ugliest shoe title) almost exclusively. Every time the soles squeak against the hallway at work or someone gives me an odd look for dressing like Working Girl I am reminded of the stupid training mistakes I made to get myself here.

But my feet no longer keep me up at night or become my obsession while I’m driving. I took all of the last two weeks off from running and instead swam or did the elliptical. I finally went to my doctor and heard the words I was avoiding “no running,” at least until my feet are better. Hopefully after an appointment with a podiatrist this week I will have a solid rehab plan and a bit of a timeline as to when I get off the hamster wheel (and out of the pool) and start really running again.

Being injured is not my jam. There are days where I’m completely calm and rational about it and others where I feel like I am seriously loosing my mind and would do anything to get back to my regular training. For the days when I’m going crazy, I remind myself that every day I’m careful, every time I rest, the closer I am to being able to run again.

The stats:

Ran: 21.4 miles (most of them I probably shouldn’t have run… denial is a strong force)
Swam: 6-7 miles
CrossFit: 12 classes
Yoga: 4 fantastic power classes
+ an hour or more weekly of rehab exercises, foam rolling, and targeted stretching

What you can’t see:

Switching from running to swimming at the end of the month brought me back to my competitive swimming days, and it’s given me inspiration to consider doing a triathlon next year. It has also reminded me that there have been a lot of times in my life where an injury of some sort sets me back for a time, but I always come back and I always learn something while I’m away. So maybe I can’t run right now, but I can pay attention to my body and make it stronger and more prepared for when I do get to run again.