Losing My Independence

Yesterday I left the house alone for the first time since surgery. The realization hit me while I was locking the door with my own keys, which had been sitting on my dresser for months.

What used to be an every day thing for me now felt foreign and slightly frightening. I had been hiding behind other people and relying on them for my basic needs for months. And now I was suddenly back out in the world, fending for myself.

More than anything else, the hardest part of my injury has been losing my independence and my ability to move about freely in the world by myself.

I miss grabbing my shoes and heading out for a run on a whim. I miss being able to take care of my boring errands like going to the post office or the library without having to schedule it with someone else or ask to be taken there.

Today it’s coming back.

These days I feed myself, do my half of the housework and cooking, and spend the work day by myself. I started driving this morning, and daily walks are my new reward for hard work.

But I feel like I have to learn how to be in the world again. A couple of weeks ago I took BART into downtown San Francisco for my first real adventure on my own post-surgery. I was shocked by how uncomfortable I was out in public. It certainly doesn’t help that my boot (and previously cast/crutches) draw a lot more attention than I am comfortable with, but my time hidden away in the house has made me feel awkward and unmoored out in public.

I’ve been working from home since January, and my time in my own bubble is clearly taking its toll. Ironically, at a time when most people want to stay home and spend extra time with family, I’m itching to get out and meet new people and be a part of the outside world again.