When I got laid off  at the beginning of this year, I was so excited to figure out what I wanted to do with my life – until I realized I actually had to make decisions.

The decisions were weighing on me. I felt like I was at a crossroads with 20 different paths leaving it and no idea if any of them ever converge again. Journalist? Publisher? Editor? Marketer? Copywriter? Freelance writer?

I don’t know what I want, and it’s scary. Terrifying actually.

For the first two months or so I would find myself saying out loud “I don’t know what I want to do with my life” while driving or washing dishes or trying to read a book. Each time I would get more and more agitated, more and more desperate to just have a damn answer.

What’s the Plan?

When I set out to decide my next step, I didn’t plan on thinking myself into hysteria. I planned on figuring out what I wanted to do next and what I thought would add value to my life (and ideally the lives of others).

A couple months ago I realized that what I really want right now is to explore, to experiment, and to be able to try as many things as possible in a short time. That means I’m forgoing a traditional job in a company and creating my own.

Hello, freelancing.

I’m dividing my time between freelance writing for publications, copywriting and marketing for companies, and creative projects for myself. I’m giving myself a year to learn new skills and see where I can take myself. I’m paving my own path, and I’m equal parts fired up and shaking in my running shoes.

Enjoy the Experiment

Forget enjoying “the journey,” I’m working towards making this experiment of mine into something memorable and fun. This is my chance to step outside of what I’ve always done and really explore what I’m capable of. It’s my time to learn how to do all of the things I think it would be great to know how to do. It’s a time for what I learned to count nearly as much as where it got me.

This is my version of graduate school – my chance to try new things and not be afraid to fail.

My grandmother and I celebrating another year of trying new things.

I’m back to saying “I don’t know what I want to do, but I’m trying this right now.” After leaving Sunset, I treated my job at a start-up as an experiment and a way to build experience. I could get more experience doing things that a lot of publishing companies were looking for (running an editorial calendar, managing social media accounts), and the whole time I could tell everyone that I was still working toward The Dream.

It made me realize that I do best when I’m experimenting and letting myself naturally grow into a new thing.

Sure, I’m still reading books about finding the job for you (don’t you dare use the word “calling” or I’m out). I’m putting more emphasis on my guiding values/principles and seeing where those can take me.

I realized that this exact moment isn’t when I have to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have the rest of my life to figure that out. Instead, I need to decide what my next step is. I don’t need to know where I’m going. Sidesteps, even going backwards are all on the table. Every direction is movement. All directions are growth.